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July 6, 2016

“Don’t Take This The Wrong Way” Is The Wrong Way to Provide Feedback

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I’m guessing you’ve heard this phrase before. Either it came out of someone else’s mouth, or you said it: “Don’t take this the wrong way, but…”  I’m also guessing you know what follows the “but”: an awkward cliché or unflattering feedback, perhaps even a downright insulting or blatantly bigoted or sexist statement. Common examples include:  “you talk too loud,”  “people think you’re aggressive,” “you’re so articulate and competent” or “you’re overly emotional.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way” is a poisonous preamble that should be eliminated from interpersonal communication, especially in the workplace. Here’s why:

  • This phrase signals that the speaker knows what follows is inappropriate, perhaps offensive. It’s a gesture designed – intentionally or not – to give the speaker carte blanche to say inappropriate or offensive words.
  • This phrase places all responsibility for the speaker’s impact on the receiver. Speakers exempt themselves from all accountability for what they say.
  • This phrase is an exercise in coercive “power over.” Would you tell your boss, a respected elder, or other authority figure “don’t take this the wrong way, but…”? I doubt it.
  • There is no such thing as “the wrong way.” The receiver is going to take the speaker’s words the way they take it. No one has the right to legislate or dictate someone else’s feelings or reactions. What the speaker really means is, “don’t take this in a way that I don’t mean, or that makes me look like a bad person.” However, it’s the speaker’s responsibility to communicate in a way that aligns with their meaning and come across like a good person, not the receiver’s.

“Don’t take this the wrong way” can be used consciously to manipulate others and inappropriately leverage power, but it’s most often used unconsciously by well-intended people to communicate a sensitive idea or to deliver uncomfortable feedback. This is especially likely in conversations across differences like race, gender, sexual orientation and social class. But rather than softening an uncomfortable message, “don’t take this the wrong way” actually communicates disrespect, impedes dialogue and erodes trust.

If the intent is to soften difficult communication, provide context, and come across as a good person, try these approaches instead:  Read More!

2 Comments on ““Don’t Take This The Wrong Way” Is The Wrong Way to Provide Feedback

simma18
July 6, 2016 at 2:53 pm

Plus giving unsolicited feedback is only for the person giving it. Thx Susana

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Susana Rinderle
July 6, 2016 at 3:41 pm

Indeed — unless the feedback provider is someone’s boss. You’re very welcome Simma, thanks for reading!

Reply

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